Well ladies and gentlemen this is my last blog as a veteran's wife. He has finally gone off the deep end. Cheating, lying, stealing, drug usage, violence, mood swings, rage, everything I no longer have to be a part of it. I am here to tell any wife that is being abused by their husband and his excuse is because he has PTSD and he can't control it. LISTEN! They can get help because there is help out there. But they have to want it and if they don't get it you need to leave or tell them to leave. I have been married for a little over 4 years. And since he was discharged for the Army it has been a nightmare, which I dealt with because I thought that was what a good wife did. I know now, that no matter how hard it may be you have to protect your family and your children (if you have them). AND MOST IMPORTANTLY YOURSELF! For the longest time I have let my health fail and just myself in general. I have let myself go. I am overweight and no just a few pounds. I am not happy that I let someone control my life and dictate how I feel and look. And yes he did go to Iraq, but no he was not injured in Iraq. Truth be told he used to work at NARA (national archives records administration) and he actually stole someone's purple heart and bronze star and carries them around telling people they are his. I believe him, because he told me he didn't want to talk about it. But here's where it went down hill for him: The rank was wrong, the dates were a year off, it stated the event happened in fullijah (he was never there), and it also says that he was in combat. Here's the truth, he was stationed in Taji, Iraq. He was only allowed to go to Iraq if he signed a waiver regarding his back injury that he developed before he even went there, and finally due to his injury and the waiver he was not allowed to leave the FOB. So I asked his army buddies about this purple heart and bronze star. None of them are aware of these awards that he states that he "earned". All he has truly earned is disrespect but the few people that once respected him. The bond he used to rave about, is no longer there between him and his army buddies. Most recently I paid for a ticket for him to visit one and what did he do the whole time, look for drugs!!! Even used the guy's sister to score most of them. I mean wow!
The betrayal and lies could go on forever, well atleast 5 years worth, but I think I made my point. If you stay in your marriage praying that it will get better, but they don't do anything to get themselves better. Please learn something from me and move on with your life. Let it become someone else's problem. For instance, he is now someone else's problem, most likely his mother. She knows what he is and what he has done or should I say how she raised him. She did not raise a man. And she still continues to pay his way. Well I say let her and anyone else that wants to do go ahead. Because this bruised and battered girl is out!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Drama and Let down
Sorry I haven't posted, dealing with drama. I'm not sure if others can relate, but being married to someone with PTSD is almost like having 2 full-time jobs. Although I know my husband can not hold a job, has PTSD, he is home a lot! When he was in the Army I was expected to clean, cook, bills, and take for my daughter. I am never going to complain and say it was hard, because to me I LOVED IT! I miss it in all honesty I wish I could have those days back. It seems though ever since he was discharged I have been a fish swimming up stream. At first he used to get so mad, so he would pack his bags and leave not to be seen for days. We eventually got over that hump, then the divorce talk started.....fast forward to 2010. He left me and was seeing other women. So of you will think, "Is she nuts?" well you could call it that, but I lived with my dad and my daughter for about 8 months. My husband and I eventually re-kindled and moved back in together in august 2010. Two months later he lost another job. There are so many things because if he was an average joe kind of guy then I would have let go and moved on. But how do I punish someone who can't control everything in their head? I can't it's not me. I hold on to all the memories and all the love and that is what keeps me going. I am not going to say I am a angel, because I am juggling so much I lose my temper and say hateful words. I just don't understand what he is going through and he won't help me to understand. He does not involve me in anything. I wonder how can someone be made if they are not trying to help? I ask so many questions, but still come up empty handed.
What do you do? What does a women who had a husband who isn't the same anymore? Do you just give up? I was raised in a broken home and so was he. I just want a fair chance at life for the both of us. How can we have a fair life if he isn't working and has PTSD an Spinal Cord injuries? He has no hobby, no true friends. He sits around all day and is just depressed. I am at a loss. No words of mine or actions will help make it better. I consistently give in, because I don't want to argue or fit. Does it get better?
My next blog will go back on track. Just dealing with this at the moment.
What do you do? What does a women who had a husband who isn't the same anymore? Do you just give up? I was raised in a broken home and so was he. I just want a fair chance at life for the both of us. How can we have a fair life if he isn't working and has PTSD an Spinal Cord injuries? He has no hobby, no true friends. He sits around all day and is just depressed. I am at a loss. No words of mine or actions will help make it better. I consistently give in, because I don't want to argue or fit. Does it get better?
My next blog will go back on track. Just dealing with this at the moment.
Friday, December 3, 2010
The show must go on....
Before I begin with the next few months of our crazy story, I would like to thank my readers and other wounded warrior spouses for their support and giving me the courage to continue on.
A few months had gone by after his first surgery and money was too tight so my husband, Matt, did what he had to do, he went looking for work. Matt never fully recovered from his first surgery, but we just couldn't make ends meet. He finally found some work at an auto body repair shop as a car porter, but he was asked to do much more than that. See the problem is when people look at Matt they see a 6"8, well built man....they don't see an injured veteran. So they asked him to do things he told them he couldn't do, for example; push a car, load heavy equipment, lift things, it was just awful. Since he did all this work it did nothing more than make things worse. Plus he was no help at home. He just couldn't. I couldn't even to being to tell how frustrated I was. I would work 9 hours sometimes more, take care of Lilly, cook, shopping, bills, clean, laundry, and anything else that needed to be done. Christmas came and we made the best of it. Everyone gave and received something. I decided to make cookie mix in jars and give them to family and friends. More so as a thank you for helping when they could or just lending an ear.
One of our biggest problem at the time relationship wise was that Matt was so impacted by PTSD, that he would get so hyped up he couldn't calm down. So he would pack his bags and leave. Most of the time I had no idea where he was. I hoped he was safe, but that's all I could do. When he did come back I used to think, "What the heck am I doing with this guy?" but I knew the answer, I always knew the answer. I loved him and he couldn't control what was happening all the time. We utilized the VET Center for counseling. Our counselor was very understanding and was genuinely concerned. They helped us as long as we went. Matt just sometimes was worried about going. Worried about the feelings that came back again when he would talk about his PTSD and what he thinks caused it and how to cope with it.
January came and he was then told by his spinal surgeon that the first surgery didn't take and now Matt had to have a spinal fusion. He told his work that it wouldn't be for 3 weeks and they let him go that week. Nice, right? So there we were he was getting ready to have a spinal fusion and no paycheck. No one would hire someone about to have a major surgery like that. Plus when he filed for his unemployment, the owner of the company told the office my husband quit. He appealed it and still lost. The owner even admitted letting him go due to the upcoming surgery, but it was still ruled against.
January was also the month I found out I had to have my right thyroid removed. I had have thyroid problems since the birth of my daughter. At this point the size of it was bigger than a golf ball and smaller than a lemon. This also meant I didn't have enough PTO time to take my full amount off. I had the surgery and all went well until my pills became missing. The VA had given my husband 300+ Vicodin for every month. So he developed a problem. A bad problem. Pawning things, taking money, taking my pills, and borrowing money from family. And now he is going to have another surgery......to be continued.
Again thank you.
A few months had gone by after his first surgery and money was too tight so my husband, Matt, did what he had to do, he went looking for work. Matt never fully recovered from his first surgery, but we just couldn't make ends meet. He finally found some work at an auto body repair shop as a car porter, but he was asked to do much more than that. See the problem is when people look at Matt they see a 6"8, well built man....they don't see an injured veteran. So they asked him to do things he told them he couldn't do, for example; push a car, load heavy equipment, lift things, it was just awful. Since he did all this work it did nothing more than make things worse. Plus he was no help at home. He just couldn't. I couldn't even to being to tell how frustrated I was. I would work 9 hours sometimes more, take care of Lilly, cook, shopping, bills, clean, laundry, and anything else that needed to be done. Christmas came and we made the best of it. Everyone gave and received something. I decided to make cookie mix in jars and give them to family and friends. More so as a thank you for helping when they could or just lending an ear.
One of our biggest problem at the time relationship wise was that Matt was so impacted by PTSD, that he would get so hyped up he couldn't calm down. So he would pack his bags and leave. Most of the time I had no idea where he was. I hoped he was safe, but that's all I could do. When he did come back I used to think, "What the heck am I doing with this guy?" but I knew the answer, I always knew the answer. I loved him and he couldn't control what was happening all the time. We utilized the VET Center for counseling. Our counselor was very understanding and was genuinely concerned. They helped us as long as we went. Matt just sometimes was worried about going. Worried about the feelings that came back again when he would talk about his PTSD and what he thinks caused it and how to cope with it.
January came and he was then told by his spinal surgeon that the first surgery didn't take and now Matt had to have a spinal fusion. He told his work that it wouldn't be for 3 weeks and they let him go that week. Nice, right? So there we were he was getting ready to have a spinal fusion and no paycheck. No one would hire someone about to have a major surgery like that. Plus when he filed for his unemployment, the owner of the company told the office my husband quit. He appealed it and still lost. The owner even admitted letting him go due to the upcoming surgery, but it was still ruled against.
January was also the month I found out I had to have my right thyroid removed. I had have thyroid problems since the birth of my daughter. At this point the size of it was bigger than a golf ball and smaller than a lemon. This also meant I didn't have enough PTO time to take my full amount off. I had the surgery and all went well until my pills became missing. The VA had given my husband 300+ Vicodin for every month. So he developed a problem. A bad problem. Pawning things, taking money, taking my pills, and borrowing money from family. And now he is going to have another surgery......to be continued.
Again thank you.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I'm not alone
Day 2 of blogging. I wasn't sure about this at first but I got some comments that give me the strength to move on with our story...
My husband, Matt had his first surgery September 2007 it was a discectomy and laminectomy on his L5 S1 (lower spine). The surgeon didn't make it sound like it would be a terible recovery and he would be on his feet in no time. I truely wish that was the case but it wasn't. I mean he had a spinal surgery! The VA, the Army everyone blew it off.
Which reminds me of one day when I was reading over his Medical Record from the Army while waiting at one of his many doctor's appointment after the Army discharged him at 0% disability. I started crying, because there it was, him clearly trying to seek help for his back and they did nothing, gave him an injection and some pills and moved him a long. When orders for deployment came down he was told he had to sign a waiver in order to continue his mission to Iraq with his fellow soldiers.
He doesn't talk about much, about when he was gone and frankly I have never asked. I couldn't even imagne everything he saw, went through and was asked to do.
After his first surgery he was supposed to go to physical therapy 4 days a week, but he couldn't drive and we couldn't afford for me to take him. Everyone we knew had a day job and no one could take him to his treatment. We told the office this, we told the VA, we told the hospital and no in home therapy suggestions; we got just a shrug. I mean, we had already had to ask for help with our rent because he couldn't work and I think I was making around $10.50 an hour to support all of us. And since he claimed his VA benefits we had to pay back his servence from the US ARMY, so to say the least, we were living tight. There was no budget just prayers.
During his first recovery we fought a lot. He was so angry. Angry at everthing and everyone. He never hit me or anyone else, but it was in his eyes and his emotions. He is a good man. He used to be such a happy fun loving guy. Now, he is high most of the time from all the pills. He can barely even function. Talk about stress! I'll probably stop there tonight with my extremely long blog. Sorry..
FYI:
I saw the comments from the last post and I will replying tonight or tomorrow, sorry :( hopefully all tonight. We saved a little money and my husband is going to visit a very good old army roommate. It's amazing seeing these set of guys together. The bond this group of four has is something I've never seen. I can't go, only enough for him to go. I think it will be good for my husband and his fellow veteran/army family. They lived together in the barracks went over seas together, they were inseparable. To be honest I'm sad, worried, happy and relieved all at the same time. I know this doesn't make me a bad person or a bad wife, because I love my husband and I would do anything for him. But being a caregiver like I have had to be it's like my first born going away to college 2,000 miles away. If you live in the Saint Louis, MO area and would interested in forming a group please let me know, my email is michelle.n.wade@gmail.com until tomorrow.
My husband, Matt had his first surgery September 2007 it was a discectomy and laminectomy on his L5 S1 (lower spine). The surgeon didn't make it sound like it would be a terible recovery and he would be on his feet in no time. I truely wish that was the case but it wasn't. I mean he had a spinal surgery! The VA, the Army everyone blew it off.
Which reminds me of one day when I was reading over his Medical Record from the Army while waiting at one of his many doctor's appointment after the Army discharged him at 0% disability. I started crying, because there it was, him clearly trying to seek help for his back and they did nothing, gave him an injection and some pills and moved him a long. When orders for deployment came down he was told he had to sign a waiver in order to continue his mission to Iraq with his fellow soldiers.
He doesn't talk about much, about when he was gone and frankly I have never asked. I couldn't even imagne everything he saw, went through and was asked to do.
After his first surgery he was supposed to go to physical therapy 4 days a week, but he couldn't drive and we couldn't afford for me to take him. Everyone we knew had a day job and no one could take him to his treatment. We told the office this, we told the VA, we told the hospital and no in home therapy suggestions; we got just a shrug. I mean, we had already had to ask for help with our rent because he couldn't work and I think I was making around $10.50 an hour to support all of us. And since he claimed his VA benefits we had to pay back his servence from the US ARMY, so to say the least, we were living tight. There was no budget just prayers.
During his first recovery we fought a lot. He was so angry. Angry at everthing and everyone. He never hit me or anyone else, but it was in his eyes and his emotions. He is a good man. He used to be such a happy fun loving guy. Now, he is high most of the time from all the pills. He can barely even function. Talk about stress! I'll probably stop there tonight with my extremely long blog. Sorry..
FYI:
I saw the comments from the last post and I will replying tonight or tomorrow, sorry :( hopefully all tonight. We saved a little money and my husband is going to visit a very good old army roommate. It's amazing seeing these set of guys together. The bond this group of four has is something I've never seen. I can't go, only enough for him to go. I think it will be good for my husband and his fellow veteran/army family. They lived together in the barracks went over seas together, they were inseparable. To be honest I'm sad, worried, happy and relieved all at the same time. I know this doesn't make me a bad person or a bad wife, because I love my husband and I would do anything for him. But being a caregiver like I have had to be it's like my first born going away to college 2,000 miles away. If you live in the Saint Louis, MO area and would interested in forming a group please let me know, my email is michelle.n.wade@gmail.com until tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I know I am not alone.....
I am 27 years old, married, and have a 6 year old daughter. My husband served 12 months in Taji, Iraqi while active duty in the US Army. I started this blog because he has PTSD along with a spinal cord injury. The Army decided he was no longer fight for duty and medically discharged him on 07/2007 with 0% disability. This was the beginning of our fight. Our life struggle. So were we surprised they discharged him at 0%. I would be lying if I said no. He was hurt all the army surgeons told him he had "black" disc. No such thing as a "black" disc. He didn't have a disc. Apparently this is a more common problem in the military, yet they don't do anything to medically correct it. His PTSD was not being treated either after repeated cries for help. Okay so now what you ask? Well once we found out that he was out of the army with all the medical issues, it was a race for me to find a better paying job to provide for our family and obtain medically insurance so that he could get the treatment he desperately needed. We had to move back to our hometown, Saint Louis, MO. Thankfully the army moved us, but we couldn't find anywhere to live because I just started a job and he couldn't even work. We had to live with my father until we found someone willing to rent to us. We did it wasn't much and the neighborhood was a lot different from the military life we came from but it worked. I went to work as my husband sank deeper and deeper into his depression. He was also starting to have extreme symptoms from his spinal injury, lose of movement in his lower limbs and other things he would be upset if I typed. Helpless because the VA kept telling us he had no claim, which he did, but it wasn't transfered up from Nashville, TN yet. So I got him a spinal surgeon who was willing to see him, since he was a West Point graduate and served he had a place in his heart for veterans. To our surprise my husband had to have immediate surgery to repair some of the damage in his spine. During this time I didn't have enough money or PTO to stay at home and help him recovery so he did most of it solo. At that point I felt like the worst wife in the world. I was unable to provide the needed support. We paid for the first surgery, not the US ARMY, not the VA, we did. Since I worked at the hospital they took it out of my bi-weekly paycheck for which also came health insurance for myself, my daughter, and my husband. This all less than 2 months after his discharge. To be continued.....
The point of this blog is to tell our story. Because at times I feel as if I am the only iraqi freedom veteran's spouse who lives with the daily emotional struggle of being such. Between the spinal injury and the PTSD some days seem endless and forgotten. I have tried to find a support group or a counselor that specializes in this area but they are only provided for the actual veteran. I find this very upsetting because 95% of the time, except for when he goes to his PTSD counseling, I am his support system, but how am I supposed to support him emotionally when I don't have anywhere to go to ask for help to support him. When he was active there was a support system, FRG, and other resources, now that he isn't active any longer there are none. I will write daily or as much as time allows because I don't want another spouse to feel as alone and helpless as I do.
The point of this blog is to tell our story. Because at times I feel as if I am the only iraqi freedom veteran's spouse who lives with the daily emotional struggle of being such. Between the spinal injury and the PTSD some days seem endless and forgotten. I have tried to find a support group or a counselor that specializes in this area but they are only provided for the actual veteran. I find this very upsetting because 95% of the time, except for when he goes to his PTSD counseling, I am his support system, but how am I supposed to support him emotionally when I don't have anywhere to go to ask for help to support him. When he was active there was a support system, FRG, and other resources, now that he isn't active any longer there are none. I will write daily or as much as time allows because I don't want another spouse to feel as alone and helpless as I do.
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