Sorry I haven't posted, dealing with drama. I'm not sure if others can relate, but being married to someone with PTSD is almost like having 2 full-time jobs. Although I know my husband can not hold a job, has PTSD, he is home a lot! When he was in the Army I was expected to clean, cook, bills, and take for my daughter. I am never going to complain and say it was hard, because to me I LOVED IT! I miss it in all honesty I wish I could have those days back. It seems though ever since he was discharged I have been a fish swimming up stream. At first he used to get so mad, so he would pack his bags and leave not to be seen for days. We eventually got over that hump, then the divorce talk started.....fast forward to 2010. He left me and was seeing other women. So of you will think, "Is she nuts?" well you could call it that, but I lived with my dad and my daughter for about 8 months. My husband and I eventually re-kindled and moved back in together in august 2010. Two months later he lost another job. There are so many things because if he was an average joe kind of guy then I would have let go and moved on. But how do I punish someone who can't control everything in their head? I can't it's not me. I hold on to all the memories and all the love and that is what keeps me going. I am not going to say I am a angel, because I am juggling so much I lose my temper and say hateful words. I just don't understand what he is going through and he won't help me to understand. He does not involve me in anything. I wonder how can someone be made if they are not trying to help? I ask so many questions, but still come up empty handed.
What do you do? What does a women who had a husband who isn't the same anymore? Do you just give up? I was raised in a broken home and so was he. I just want a fair chance at life for the both of us. How can we have a fair life if he isn't working and has PTSD an Spinal Cord injuries? He has no hobby, no true friends. He sits around all day and is just depressed. I am at a loss. No words of mine or actions will help make it better. I consistently give in, because I don't want to argue or fit. Does it get better?
My next blog will go back on track. Just dealing with this at the moment.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
The show must go on....
Before I begin with the next few months of our crazy story, I would like to thank my readers and other wounded warrior spouses for their support and giving me the courage to continue on.
A few months had gone by after his first surgery and money was too tight so my husband, Matt, did what he had to do, he went looking for work. Matt never fully recovered from his first surgery, but we just couldn't make ends meet. He finally found some work at an auto body repair shop as a car porter, but he was asked to do much more than that. See the problem is when people look at Matt they see a 6"8, well built man....they don't see an injured veteran. So they asked him to do things he told them he couldn't do, for example; push a car, load heavy equipment, lift things, it was just awful. Since he did all this work it did nothing more than make things worse. Plus he was no help at home. He just couldn't. I couldn't even to being to tell how frustrated I was. I would work 9 hours sometimes more, take care of Lilly, cook, shopping, bills, clean, laundry, and anything else that needed to be done. Christmas came and we made the best of it. Everyone gave and received something. I decided to make cookie mix in jars and give them to family and friends. More so as a thank you for helping when they could or just lending an ear.
One of our biggest problem at the time relationship wise was that Matt was so impacted by PTSD, that he would get so hyped up he couldn't calm down. So he would pack his bags and leave. Most of the time I had no idea where he was. I hoped he was safe, but that's all I could do. When he did come back I used to think, "What the heck am I doing with this guy?" but I knew the answer, I always knew the answer. I loved him and he couldn't control what was happening all the time. We utilized the VET Center for counseling. Our counselor was very understanding and was genuinely concerned. They helped us as long as we went. Matt just sometimes was worried about going. Worried about the feelings that came back again when he would talk about his PTSD and what he thinks caused it and how to cope with it.
January came and he was then told by his spinal surgeon that the first surgery didn't take and now Matt had to have a spinal fusion. He told his work that it wouldn't be for 3 weeks and they let him go that week. Nice, right? So there we were he was getting ready to have a spinal fusion and no paycheck. No one would hire someone about to have a major surgery like that. Plus when he filed for his unemployment, the owner of the company told the office my husband quit. He appealed it and still lost. The owner even admitted letting him go due to the upcoming surgery, but it was still ruled against.
January was also the month I found out I had to have my right thyroid removed. I had have thyroid problems since the birth of my daughter. At this point the size of it was bigger than a golf ball and smaller than a lemon. This also meant I didn't have enough PTO time to take my full amount off. I had the surgery and all went well until my pills became missing. The VA had given my husband 300+ Vicodin for every month. So he developed a problem. A bad problem. Pawning things, taking money, taking my pills, and borrowing money from family. And now he is going to have another surgery......to be continued.
Again thank you.
A few months had gone by after his first surgery and money was too tight so my husband, Matt, did what he had to do, he went looking for work. Matt never fully recovered from his first surgery, but we just couldn't make ends meet. He finally found some work at an auto body repair shop as a car porter, but he was asked to do much more than that. See the problem is when people look at Matt they see a 6"8, well built man....they don't see an injured veteran. So they asked him to do things he told them he couldn't do, for example; push a car, load heavy equipment, lift things, it was just awful. Since he did all this work it did nothing more than make things worse. Plus he was no help at home. He just couldn't. I couldn't even to being to tell how frustrated I was. I would work 9 hours sometimes more, take care of Lilly, cook, shopping, bills, clean, laundry, and anything else that needed to be done. Christmas came and we made the best of it. Everyone gave and received something. I decided to make cookie mix in jars and give them to family and friends. More so as a thank you for helping when they could or just lending an ear.
One of our biggest problem at the time relationship wise was that Matt was so impacted by PTSD, that he would get so hyped up he couldn't calm down. So he would pack his bags and leave. Most of the time I had no idea where he was. I hoped he was safe, but that's all I could do. When he did come back I used to think, "What the heck am I doing with this guy?" but I knew the answer, I always knew the answer. I loved him and he couldn't control what was happening all the time. We utilized the VET Center for counseling. Our counselor was very understanding and was genuinely concerned. They helped us as long as we went. Matt just sometimes was worried about going. Worried about the feelings that came back again when he would talk about his PTSD and what he thinks caused it and how to cope with it.
January came and he was then told by his spinal surgeon that the first surgery didn't take and now Matt had to have a spinal fusion. He told his work that it wouldn't be for 3 weeks and they let him go that week. Nice, right? So there we were he was getting ready to have a spinal fusion and no paycheck. No one would hire someone about to have a major surgery like that. Plus when he filed for his unemployment, the owner of the company told the office my husband quit. He appealed it and still lost. The owner even admitted letting him go due to the upcoming surgery, but it was still ruled against.
January was also the month I found out I had to have my right thyroid removed. I had have thyroid problems since the birth of my daughter. At this point the size of it was bigger than a golf ball and smaller than a lemon. This also meant I didn't have enough PTO time to take my full amount off. I had the surgery and all went well until my pills became missing. The VA had given my husband 300+ Vicodin for every month. So he developed a problem. A bad problem. Pawning things, taking money, taking my pills, and borrowing money from family. And now he is going to have another surgery......to be continued.
Again thank you.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I'm not alone
Day 2 of blogging. I wasn't sure about this at first but I got some comments that give me the strength to move on with our story...
My husband, Matt had his first surgery September 2007 it was a discectomy and laminectomy on his L5 S1 (lower spine). The surgeon didn't make it sound like it would be a terible recovery and he would be on his feet in no time. I truely wish that was the case but it wasn't. I mean he had a spinal surgery! The VA, the Army everyone blew it off.
Which reminds me of one day when I was reading over his Medical Record from the Army while waiting at one of his many doctor's appointment after the Army discharged him at 0% disability. I started crying, because there it was, him clearly trying to seek help for his back and they did nothing, gave him an injection and some pills and moved him a long. When orders for deployment came down he was told he had to sign a waiver in order to continue his mission to Iraq with his fellow soldiers.
He doesn't talk about much, about when he was gone and frankly I have never asked. I couldn't even imagne everything he saw, went through and was asked to do.
After his first surgery he was supposed to go to physical therapy 4 days a week, but he couldn't drive and we couldn't afford for me to take him. Everyone we knew had a day job and no one could take him to his treatment. We told the office this, we told the VA, we told the hospital and no in home therapy suggestions; we got just a shrug. I mean, we had already had to ask for help with our rent because he couldn't work and I think I was making around $10.50 an hour to support all of us. And since he claimed his VA benefits we had to pay back his servence from the US ARMY, so to say the least, we were living tight. There was no budget just prayers.
During his first recovery we fought a lot. He was so angry. Angry at everthing and everyone. He never hit me or anyone else, but it was in his eyes and his emotions. He is a good man. He used to be such a happy fun loving guy. Now, he is high most of the time from all the pills. He can barely even function. Talk about stress! I'll probably stop there tonight with my extremely long blog. Sorry..
FYI:
I saw the comments from the last post and I will replying tonight or tomorrow, sorry :( hopefully all tonight. We saved a little money and my husband is going to visit a very good old army roommate. It's amazing seeing these set of guys together. The bond this group of four has is something I've never seen. I can't go, only enough for him to go. I think it will be good for my husband and his fellow veteran/army family. They lived together in the barracks went over seas together, they were inseparable. To be honest I'm sad, worried, happy and relieved all at the same time. I know this doesn't make me a bad person or a bad wife, because I love my husband and I would do anything for him. But being a caregiver like I have had to be it's like my first born going away to college 2,000 miles away. If you live in the Saint Louis, MO area and would interested in forming a group please let me know, my email is michelle.n.wade@gmail.com until tomorrow.
My husband, Matt had his first surgery September 2007 it was a discectomy and laminectomy on his L5 S1 (lower spine). The surgeon didn't make it sound like it would be a terible recovery and he would be on his feet in no time. I truely wish that was the case but it wasn't. I mean he had a spinal surgery! The VA, the Army everyone blew it off.
Which reminds me of one day when I was reading over his Medical Record from the Army while waiting at one of his many doctor's appointment after the Army discharged him at 0% disability. I started crying, because there it was, him clearly trying to seek help for his back and they did nothing, gave him an injection and some pills and moved him a long. When orders for deployment came down he was told he had to sign a waiver in order to continue his mission to Iraq with his fellow soldiers.
He doesn't talk about much, about when he was gone and frankly I have never asked. I couldn't even imagne everything he saw, went through and was asked to do.
After his first surgery he was supposed to go to physical therapy 4 days a week, but he couldn't drive and we couldn't afford for me to take him. Everyone we knew had a day job and no one could take him to his treatment. We told the office this, we told the VA, we told the hospital and no in home therapy suggestions; we got just a shrug. I mean, we had already had to ask for help with our rent because he couldn't work and I think I was making around $10.50 an hour to support all of us. And since he claimed his VA benefits we had to pay back his servence from the US ARMY, so to say the least, we were living tight. There was no budget just prayers.
During his first recovery we fought a lot. He was so angry. Angry at everthing and everyone. He never hit me or anyone else, but it was in his eyes and his emotions. He is a good man. He used to be such a happy fun loving guy. Now, he is high most of the time from all the pills. He can barely even function. Talk about stress! I'll probably stop there tonight with my extremely long blog. Sorry..
FYI:
I saw the comments from the last post and I will replying tonight or tomorrow, sorry :( hopefully all tonight. We saved a little money and my husband is going to visit a very good old army roommate. It's amazing seeing these set of guys together. The bond this group of four has is something I've never seen. I can't go, only enough for him to go. I think it will be good for my husband and his fellow veteran/army family. They lived together in the barracks went over seas together, they were inseparable. To be honest I'm sad, worried, happy and relieved all at the same time. I know this doesn't make me a bad person or a bad wife, because I love my husband and I would do anything for him. But being a caregiver like I have had to be it's like my first born going away to college 2,000 miles away. If you live in the Saint Louis, MO area and would interested in forming a group please let me know, my email is michelle.n.wade@gmail.com until tomorrow.
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